Baby, your parents were cool

Dear Baby,

I know it's going to be hard to believe. You won't be able to conceive of it. When you're 15 and mortified by everything your parents do--we cold-shoulder your friends; we talk too much to your friends; we embarrass you in front of boys/girls; we embarrass you in public. We think we're way too cool when we're not; and we just don't "get it." We try to be funny, but our jokes are outdated (like that Napoleon Dynamite reference your mom made last week); we listen to terrible, "old-person" music like the Postal Service and Arcade Fire. We dress funny, and we think you should get a "gas using" car when you turn 16 because that's what we drove. Your mom thinks you dress like a slob, I think you should be attending to your studies more. Your mom thinks you should be home by 10 (I say midnight, but it's up to your mom on this one...); I say no one of the opposite sex in the house when we're not home...
When all this is happening, I know it's going to be hard to believe, but your Mom and Dad were cool. When all the above happens and we're old, slightly overweight, boring, unfunny Mom and Dad. I want you to remember this:
On the due date of your birth, your mother rocked a sexy black dress and heels and we played blackjack and (I) drank free booze at a VIP party. So there, not even you can keep us from our rock 'n' roll lifestyle.
While we may cramp your style in 15 years, you never cramped ours--so get over it.

Love,

Your Dad